


why not me?

by prosthetiic



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cringe, Dysfunctional Family, Friends to Enemies, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nonbinary Character, One-Sided Attraction, Other, Trans Male Character, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:21:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29954016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prosthetiic/pseuds/prosthetiic
Summary: ❝ its time for me to go ❞
Relationships: Original Character(s) & Original Character(s)





	why not me?

“Dear [n/a],

See, I've explained my feelings to you a few times. I never truly feel as if you understand, though. You understand the basics, but I never get in too far with my feelings. 

They're very mixed. Sometimes even I don't understand them. But now, I feel as if this is the main thing I need to express; I think, no matter how much time passes by, I will always need you. You'll always be here, with me, in my mind and heart. 

And that ultimately terrifies me. I remember almost every word you tell me now; I can't stop thinking about it, I overanalyze. Asking myself, where did it go wrong? But I understand that you have a new life, one that doesn't include me. And that's alright. 

But seeing as you finally let go, I see as I am obliged to finally express what I have been feeling all these years.

See, I almost wish we never met. The memories, I love them, but they disturb me now. Extraordinarily. 

Every time I think of us, pain surges through my body as if I had just gotten punched and kicked repeatedly. and it's so shocking, you can ditch me after so many years – walk away from me as if we were mere strangers. 

You left me. After all the things you said. After everything we did. You made it look as if you wanted to leave this whole time. And I know it was my fault, I messed up, but maybe if you gave me time ... you'd realize, I really did miss you. every day. 

I would think of you and miss you. And you can't even imagine how pathetic it makes feel, because I don't know if you miss me back.

And, I don't wish to admit, but I think about you all the time. Even when I have so much else to worry about. Even the late hours of the night, when I should be asleep. You're always on my mind. And it makes my body ache because I just now come to the terms that I will forever be in love with you. 

With your beautiful hair, your sparkling eyes, your forgiving and loving personality... and now I see how much I needed you. Nothing has made me sadder than realizing one day I will never see you again, and it'll be my fault. 

And I know, your happier without me, I've heard all about your life from [n/a]. It's just difficult to live life, happily. do you understand?

Everything here lately just... hurts. I wonder how such magic of one person's love can explain the physical pain I get in my chest when all I want to do is be with you. It's scary, my love for you has become almost... obsessive, would you say? 

Or I may be jealous. Jealous over the fact that he is so much better than me. I suppose I get jealous because I know easily replicable I am. 

I know I am no one special. But he was special. He was marvelous. And that's another thing that causes my heartache; you can love who you want... but so can they.

When you met him, it's almost like you were physically hooked on him. You slowly were dragged away from me. It made me feel worthless. Like I wasn't even there. And now, after all these years, you rarely message me back... 

Am I that easy to forget? I don't get it. Why? Am I that bad? Do you wish I just didn't exist? Did I really mean so little? I don't blame you, though. I'm sure you didn't trust me. No one does. But still... How stupid of me was it to think that you actually saw something in me? 

Everyone saw me as nothing more than a bully, and I suppose that's what you see as well.

You're the first person I ever truly showed my heart to. and you're the reason no one will ever see it again. I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll get hurt again. 

I already live with the thought that you don't miss me. I should remember that. But my mind refuses too. In some part of me, I truly hope that you regret your decision. Because, despite me knowing I was in the wrong, you hurt me and I'm still the one apologizing. 

And more than likely, it'll stay that way, until one of us is brave enough to come face to face. But, with your grudge probably still active and flowing, I doubt that will happen soon.

I understand that I had hurt you before... Do you know what really hurts though? What hurts is that we never really said goodbye. We just ended. It was slow and painful. But we both knew it was coming. I wish we could've properly ended. 

But it's better for you this way, and despite seeming so fine without you, I want everything to do with you. I will always care for you, even if we're not together and even if we don't remember each other. I will surely miss your beautiful eyes, how they lit up when you saw me, how you seemed so happy when we were kids... 

it's pathetic really, how much I still hope you love me in the end.

And still, as time passes, I will still think of you. I will remember our stupid-ass memories, reading terrible fanfiction, spending Halloween together, or just laying on your trampoline. Those memories mean so much to me. Sadly, I'll never forget them. I'll be plagued with once-happy memories for the rest of my life. I'll always be reminded of you. 

Thinking of you used to make me happy. I used to feel better when I thought of you. But now, when I think of you, I cry, sob, scream, pull at my hair... I do anything to think of something other than you. Every time my mind wanders to you, my heart breaks a little more, and one day, I fear it might shatter.

Maybe one day we'll meet again and help each other understand. Maybe one day, we can be happier together. Maybe one day I won't cry when thinking of you. Until then, I hope you live your best life. And I hope your able to do all the things you said you wanted to do. Until then, I'll miss you, always.

Cordially, Sal ...”


End file.
